2 posts tagged “london”

On the up escalator at Oxford Circus there are 11 identical adverts featuring a woman in a bikini. This morning I noted that out of all of them, only one didn't have at least one chewing gum nipple.

Hah! I can blog on vox at work now! Ok, I might be a bit rusty, but let's give this a try...

All Londoners know and fear the clipboard carrying charity hunters that roam the streets of our capital in the constant hunt for fresh blood. But this morning I discovered a new whole kind of fear, and possibly got a hex put on me in the process.

I was walking up Carnaby Street, still half asleep and dulled by the sticky dregs of a cold, when a voice cut across the crowd.
'Excuse me!'
I looked up and met the beady eye of a lady of senior years across the street from me..
'Excuse me!'
I quickly realised my mistake and tried to press on, but it was too late: with a speed surprising for her years she sprinted across the street and grabbed me by the arm. In a panic I noticed that the street was full of these elderly ladies, brandishing twisted bits of silver foil and red paper at everyone who was passing. What sick den of madness had I stumbled into? As I desperately tried to pull away from her clawing grip she thrust her own bit of silver foil at me.
'Please!' she growled through gritted teeth 'Please!' I'd never thought that word could sound so threatening.
With a gasp of terror I managed to snatch my arm from her hands and race panting around the corner, my escape haunted by the creature's howl of defeat: 'Please!'

Have I made a terrible mistake? Was this a witches coven, or a caravan load of Romanian mystics? By refusing to purchase this lovingly hand-crafted bit of foil and paper (presumably made by a technique handed down through generations of silver-foil artisans) will I have incurred their magical wrath? Will all my children be born with cloven hooves? It will be really hard to get shoes for them if they do. Shit.