Virgin Whines

I have periodically been getting requests to join Virgin Wines in my inbox, each with an offer more generous than the last (first case half price, and comes with a free corkscrew made of diamonds that can predict the future!) and usually they just get deleted automatically. Earlier this week however, I got an email titled 'reasons not to join' which piqued my interest just enough to get me to open it and see just what they were up to. And so it was that I got a chance to read the email's opening pitch:

Dear James

I am not a sensitive person by nature, but I have to say that I am feeling a little hurt. I have invited you to join our Club over and over and you have clearly decided not to.

Needless to say I felt terrible! The lovely Rowan Gormley (none other than the founder of Virgin Wines himself, and so surely a very busy man) had been personally writing me all these messages, and all I do is throw them straight in the bin. No wonder I broke his little heart! By the end of the email he'd clearly begun to lose his temper with me:

So why don't you join us now and find out what it's all about for yourself? Not next week, but right now, before I decide not to invite you again.

The hurt I'd caused him was only too clear from these words (I imagined he typed them as tears coursed down his cheeks), so I thought the least I could do was send him a reply and try to smooth things over:

Dear Rowan,

I had no idea that you'd take it so personally - I really feel terrible for hurting your feelings like this. I really admire your determination, how you keep on trying to win me over despite how I continually ignore your advances - to be honest I'm quite flattered! Look, if it would make you feel any better, how about we meet up for a drink some time to make it up to you? You can bring some wine (I hear you've got one or two bottles lying around), I'll bring a pizza, it'll be fun! Maybe we could play a game of monopoly too?

Hope that's cheered you up big feller, and if ever you're feeling down in the dumps again you know you can always drop me a line.

hugs

James

I did wonder if maybe I'd been a little forward, but lo-and-behold, this morning I got my reply: